Keeping a Record

I want to remember my feelings from last Sunday. 

It began as a normal day, as the day went on I felt more and more discouraged, not patient enough at home, not doing enough good or forgetting to be mindful, inadequate in my calling, feeling that there wasn't a lot of joyful gospel living in our home... even knowing that discouragement is a tool of the adversary, I couldn't shake my feelings and was close to tears (or crying) all day. 

My prayers were fervent. Pleading for consolation, affirmation and my heart felt soft and impressionable. I distinctly remember testimonies that were shared during Sacrament meeting. Women who bore their testimonies about families, blessings that come from following the prophet's counsel, blessings that come from being obedient, an invitation to record promptings and impressions from the Spirit. How is it that we can have such strong desires to repent and have the Spirit with us when we desperately feel that we need God? But when things are going well, and there is joy and peace that despite our desire to be near God, we don't seek him as fervently. 

In joy do we need Him less? I don't think so, I think the Lord wants us to remember him, to have mighty prayer and just as much determination to draw closer to Him even outside of those lower moments. We know all will sin or face discouragement, that is part of this mortal experience, and I know I experience so much growth during those moments (days). 

Post-experience by a few days and I'm thankful for the tender moments that came from it. Long prayers, an unprompted hug from Dan in the kitchen, pure testimonies from friends, family (that are good friends) over for dinner, primary teachers that love our children and welcome Mary into YW (aaack!), quiet moments in study and prayer, and a clear understanding that I desperately desire to have the Spirit with me during highs and lows, a yearning to live joyfully. More laughter, more smiles, moments when our children feel pure love and acceptance in our home. I am thankful for an assurance that in moments when I am weakest and most unlovable that Dan is constant and true. 

I have so much to be thankful for. God, I am blessed.