Fall Break

After a long day of errands, Moses and I were walking to school to pick up Scout. "Mom, my tummy is tired. And my legs are tied. And my mouth is tired... and my head is tired."


That same day after retrieving Scout, I watched as she had conversations or called to friends all up and down the hall. She's not shy of boys, or anyone for that matter.
“Hi, George! Meow!”
“Mom, that’s my friend from school.”
“Hi! I’m a kindergartener.”

Last week was fall break. With no school or play practice Mary didn't know what to do with herself. We made a quick overnight trip to visit the temple and deliver some things to Bonita. All of the sessions at the temple were full- in Manila, you come to the temple early in the morning, reserve a spot for a later session and then return 30 minutes before the session to have a seat. No wonder the Philippines need more temples! I tried to get in on Wednesday evening and then again on Thursday morning. So we did baptisms and initiators instead. All of the work was done for names that Mary had prepared. I also got to be a witness for the baptistry, which was amazing because the temple was so busy there would have been no brethren to witness. So Mary was able to do work too because of the recent changes. I'm so thankful for revelation! For opportunities to serve, and for a temple so close by. 

It was also great to travel with an independent being! The flight was a breeze, Mary and I read books the whole way! Dinner was delicious because we didn't have to find something to suit picky eaters. Mary ordered mushroom soup and briyani rice- both excellent not child-friendly choices. :)

Sunday was a delight... but maybe a little overbearing for our ward as was Derrick conducting Sacrament meeting, Caelyn leading the music, Zerah passing the sacrament meeting, BOTH families giving the musical number, me speaking and Dan teaching Gospel Doctrine. Whew!

All is well. God is good. 

Don't touch hot pans.

Watering the plants in the rain.

Making Halloween Costumes

Shopping at the Singaporean Costco!

Tiny collectors.

Free Cookies at Subway from our friend Annabelle.

Listening to General Conference

Scout and Moses making a movie.

I finally had to give that talk, I'll post it below. The arrangement was that I'd never be given the assignment to speak, unless someone fell through. So, if I'd prepare a talk on the Atonement of Christ and just have it ready that would be great.  :)

Good morning!

Hannah, we all get nervous. But I’m glad you shared such a great talk about keeping the Sabbath day holy. It isn’t an easy thing to do for everyone. And not everyone loves the Sabbath as much as you do. In fact, this morning as Dan said “Let’s go! Everyone in the car!” Moses yelled “Yay!” And Scout replied, “Moses, don’t be excited, it’s nothing fun. It’s. just. church.”

I hope she will enjoy the Sabbath differently one day.

I’m happy to speak today, and know that any discomfort on my part will be enjoyed (or endured) by my friends.

As you know, I am a mother to five children. A significant portion of my time is spent taking the sticky backs off bandaids and air kissing injuries. 

During the children’s play, it’s not uncommon to hear someone cry as if an arm or leg has been detached. Their pain is real and the anguish is loud. But the moment I kiss the injured limb all is forgotten. Whether the injuries are self-inflicted, or otherwise, the smallest children are quick to seek help and comfort. 

If it is an “otherwise” moment, I have often received the injured child with a second child trailing behind, yelling, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Pain can be more than physical and experienced through misery or guilt. In our home, Dan and I are responsible for clearly teaching the difference between right and wrong. We’ve even been seen as the source of discomfort as we let our children experience the consequences of their actions. 

Just like children, we will find ourselves seeking comfort. 

As my children have shown me, small children are quick to seek comfort and ask for help. Sometimes a hug or kiss can make everything better. Other times all the child needs is for someone to acknowledge their feelings.

Why aren’t we as quick to seek comfort and ask for help when we feel like we have lost control of a situation or find pain too hard to bear? 

I learned this 10 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first son. Dan offered to help his brother Derrick move, and would be gone 3 days. Our baby wasn’t due for weeks, I felt no reason to ask Dan to stay and he left. As the day progressed, so did the baby. I was certain I didn’t need the help of a doctor or need to go to the hospital. Many women are afraid to go to the hospital during early labor, it can be emotionally hard to arrive and find you are still hours or days away from birth. I began to feel the same. 

That night, as I was feeding Mary, my mother stopped by and found me unable to walk between the stove and kitchen table. With wisdom and experience, she recognized my pain, she knew how to help me. She picked up my small daughter, helped me to the car and drove me to the hospital. 

Sometimes we might find ourselves in the same situation. Avoiding the physician who can offer relief and help. Aren’t we all sick? Christ taught, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick…” (Mark 2:17) 

Alma taught that Christ would “suffer pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind.” Why? “That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” Like my mother, Christ recognizes our pain. He knows what kind of healing is necessary. Sometimes, like children, we are quick to find Him and other times we are not. 

Second,  comfort comes through repentance. 

Are you familiar with the term, Pyrrhic Victory?  Victory by itself is grand, and worth pursuing. The term “Pyrrhic Victory” comes from a battle between King Pyrrhus and the Romans in 280 BC. King Pyrrhus won the battle against the Romans but his army was so depleted that he said, “If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” The battle took such a heavy toll, its victory negated any true sense of achievement. A wise general would realize that winning the battle at such a high cost would mean losing the war. And in those days, losing the war meant that your entire population was either killed or enslaved. 

Perhaps there is a lesson here for us as well. What price do we pay for a “pyrrhic victory”? 

If we are slow to repent, we ultimately lose. We are distancing ourselves from Christ, we are inflicting our own misery. We are enslaving ourselves to the hatred and pain that comes by letting our pride be victorious. Unlike small children, we might be hesitant to say sorry or repent, we might feel shame in admitting our mistakes. We have to change that mindset, recognizing right and wrong and forsake that which gave us a “Pyrrhic Victory”. Of repentance, President Nelson taught: “True repentance is not an event. It is a never-ending privilege. It is fundamental to progression and having peace of mind, comfort, and joy.” 

Agency means God, even as a loving father, cannot remove the consequences to our actions when they cause us pain or even harm. Even to the extent that we don’t progress and separate ourselves from Him eternally.

Last, Pain can be more than physical and experienced through misery or guilt.

Our mortality begins in an imperfect world and from birth our bodies begin to age, inevitably advancing towards physical death. Unlike a 1st class ticket, our comfort is not a priority. We will experience discomfort in many forms: physical, emotional, anger, sadness, shame, depression, ignorance and even loneliness. 

There is also pain when we sin, misery and guilt are tortuous.

An example of this very principle can be found in the Book of Mormon.

Alma understood the responsibility to teach his son correct principles, and despite that, Alma the Younger rebelled and openly tried to destroy the church and his Father's work. When his son was brought home after the angel's visit, Alma was joyful! He had been praying for his son to experience a change of heart and repent. You might say, he prayed for his son’s miserable encounter. For 3 days, Alma continued to pray while his son was unconscious.  His son later wrote of this time, “I was tormented” by my actions and suffered greatly until finally repenting. 

As parent, teacher or friend, it is difficult to see another in turmoil or discomfort, and we may try to shorten or remove the hard circumstances. But speaking of his own hard circumstances, Elder Christofferson said, “Though I suffered, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution... The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help… taught me… how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior…”

There are many times we would ask God to remove our difficulties (or consequences) but that would deprive us of drawing closer to Him. When Alma the younger woke, his father was there to comfort and rejoice with his son. I so want for my children what Elder Christofferson experienced.

Closing and testimony.

God is our Father and is teaching us as His children. Putting us in a real world with real consequences. As my mother drove, I texted Daniel to let him know I was on the way to the hospital and that his 1st son might be coming that night. Dan, with foresight, had purchased a one-way ticket from the only major airport between the two states that morning before leaving. As he was carefully calculating the driving time and flight departure, I remember thinking his purchase was foolish. It wasn’t, it was miraculous. There are tender mercies that come from seeking out the Savior and drawing near unto Him, for He “will draw near unto you.”

I am a daughter of God. Understanding this simple truth makes me just like one of my small children. When I am hurt, offended, discouraged, have made a poor choice or am just striving to be incrementally better… I understand that God has a vested interested in my well being. That Christ is there to comfort me, bandage wounds or even just air kiss my grievances as I learn to navigate life’s experiences and draw closer to Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Sparkles and Hogs

I love conference weekend, I mean week. The break from school also sets a different pace in our routine- Mary just got back from a run with Dan, Abe is still asleep, boardgames ran until 9pm and there was cereal for breakfast.

Incase you miss our daily presence, our highly intellectual dinner conversations bounce between nuclear reactions, particles and positrons(Abe), halloween costumes (Maeser) and how school could be improved if Unicorns were part of the staff (Scout). 

The highlight of Mary's week was ice blocking for YW's: "It's sledding in the summer!"

With school out for Scout, she fell back into old routines playing with Moses and running errands with me. She fell asleep on her hand on the way to the Singaporean "Costco" and enthusiastically yelled, "Mom! There are sparkles in my fingers!" 

We also hit the zoo. Deep thoughts from Moses, "Mom, are hog and hedgehog the same?" 

Highlights and small conversations.

"Moses, please come for scriptures."

"No, thanks!"

School lunch with Mary and Abe is like eating at an international fair. One of us had subway, the other sushi, and the third black bean burritos.

2 days of classes in print design. 

Moses, "Mom, are you the boss of dad?" "No."

"Is dad the boss of you." "Not really." 

"So that means Imelda is in charge?"

Excited for General Conference this week- the advantage to having a rebroadcast is we get to watch it all week instead of packing 10 hours in to 2 days.

Dan's back was spastic and on the verge of relapsing but he's done a great job trying to reverse the spasm. I'm thankful to think he may have found a solution- he's introduced stretching into his routine and it really seems to be helping. 

Dan went for a run today around McRitchie and got turned around by a wild pig who wouldn't yield the path.

Our week in pictures.

Mary passed the awkward photo phase.

Crowding around the air filter.

Taking selfies to send daddy at work.

Abe lining up his batches.

Post-museum drive home.

Abe, when not performing.

Life Lately

Abe participated in the stake musical last weekend, celebrating the 50th anniversary of the church in Singapore. He is so glad to have rehearsals over and asked us not to schedule anything on Saturdays until Christmas. Abe also finished his second round of bread delivery, selling 14 loaves of bread in one afternoon. He was still short and took some preorders for this week as well as a standing order for 2 loaves/week for the foreseeable future. I hope he doesn't get burned out.

Mary's rehearsal schedule is also picking up speed as the middle school's production of "Beauty and the Beast" draws nearer. Opening night is 4 weeks away!

We got to talk with Spencer while he was in the Philippines. Once in a warehouse and once on the tarmac- his Philippine leg looked exhausting but he's headed to Mississippi for another 4 weeks of training. (Hopefully with showers and beds.)

I was feeling a bit busy when my sister sent me a note saying her phone had Christy's 31 alarms set! That's crazy! I'd forget what the alarm was supposed to remind me to do!

I spent a lot of time studying this week, my mind is reeling with bookish things and drawing blanks on what happened in the day to day. Allergies have returned and we are doing our best to remove textiles from children's rooms- replacing curtains with vinyl shades, removing rugs and any extra clothes/linen from closets- they can't store anything but clothes currently cycling through a frequent wash cycle.

Dan is off KETO this week, hallelujah! I miss eating toast with eggs or having the ease of sandwiches when we are full KETO. But after loading this week he has a lean two weeks and then his next race. The haze has been a bit disruptive as far as consistent workouts (for me anyway), but it is lightening up and we've had some blue skies lately.

FHE tonight.

A busy, yet mundane week. Except for two exceptions when we briefly lost Moses. Yes, this just happened last week. Yes, he escaped twice this week. The first was at church and we didn't notice he was gone until someone brought him up from the parking garage. The second was last night after we talked with you. We went upstairs to rehearse our song and came down to find the front door open and Moses gone. Unsuccessful in our search, we sent Mary home to put Scout to bed while we ran around the dark neighbourhood... Mary called to say he was home, upstairs, playing cars. We failed to realise all of our children were home and Abe got locked out. He'd run all the way to the school looking for Moses and we'd shut the gate and locked the door.

Every day is busy: school, voice lessons, errands, rock climbing, play practices, piano and Chinese, lots of homework and early bedtimes.  Thank you for helping Mary with her talk. She is going to give it to night for FHE. We are also watching the new Book of Mormon video released by the church. 

We spent our date night wandering bookstores for classic books Mary can read,  and listening to the F1 race from your pool. We couldn't see the cars, but we could see the busses as they drove infant of the stands... Which is what Moses would prefer to see. He'd be in heaven if it was a race made for dump trucks and busses rather than Ferraris. (Speaking of Ferraris, there was a race car driver visiting our ward on Sunday, he isn't currently on the circuit but drives for the team in Australia, and was here for the F1 this weekend. ALL of the 10 year old boys had to talk to him.)

The Norm.

I’m writing!

Long over due and it seems every time I do sit to write I don’t know where to start. The norm is happening and Moses and I are falling into new routines as all the other children attend school.

Maeser’s reading has improved immensely and his hesitancy to read has subsided. I am grateful there are fewer tears every time we open a book. 

Scout's adorable lisps are headed out the door. She is starting speech therapy at school this week. Her original assessment showed that we had grown used to her words and I didn't even notice how difficult it was to understand her. Her therapist wrote out the following for us and it's hilarious:

Scout's speech assessment: 

cup = tup

girl = dirl

wagon= wadon

lamp = wamp

rabbit = wabbit

plane = pwane

slide = swide

green = gween

frog = fog

flowers = fower

shovel = sovel

watch = wats

Scout has learned to endure school, she loves the friend part, and is completely exhausted by the time she gets home.

Mary is absorbed in middle school and the school play. Last year she had a difficult time turning assignments in electronically and prioritizing tasks. She hasn’t had any trouble with either of those issues this year. To Dan’s chagrin, she choose the play over running cross-country and she and Abe have started taking voice lessons.

Abraham remained in the advanced math class this year, is rock climbing whenever he has a free afternoon, taking both piano and voice lessons and last week officially promoted (do flyers make it official) his bread making skills. He thinks he’ll be a millionaire. I’m just glad it’s bread, he originally was going to compete with his cousin’s lemonade stand.

And Moses.

Our dialogue goes something like this:

“Mom.”

“Yeah?”

“MOM.”

“Yeah?”

“MOM!”

Me stopping everything, looking directly at/walking over to/ picking up child, “What?” 

“I have a secret. I need to go pee.”

I knew Scout was a huge asset to me accomplishing anything in less than an hour, but I had no idea how much he needed someone at his level, on the floor, undistracted by anything.

He’s my constant companion- except for when Imelda watches him so I can exercise. He loves to run any errand I’ve got... and he stopped taking naps. 

Dan has recovered well, and is back to riding, running and swimming. It’s a huge stress reliever, provides productive research time, and I think he sleeps better. I’m thankful his back doesn’t have chronic pain and I hope he finds a solution to strengthen it.

In the last 4 weeks I’ve tried to be better at my church calling and more supportive of those who have to make some heavy decisions for our ward/stake. I am accompanying a friend to her cancer treatments, I moved another friend out of her apartment because of an abusive relationship, took a cooking class by a friend from El Salvador, agreed to work on the ASIA Women’s Conference again, begun voice lessons, and have a list of books I hope to read in my spare time. 

When I reread this I realize I haven’t mentioned God at all. His light permeates everything we are doing or trying to do. I am thankful for the opportunities our children have to teach and lead gospel discussions in our home. I know the Come Follow Me program is inspired. I especially appreciate the daily conversations that happen between Dan and I, or with Julie. I am thankful to hear of and witness their testimonies of Christ in how they live, love, forgive, and respond to chaotic or difficult situations. I am learning to do and be better. 

Life is good. God is good. 

Here’s to writing again.

Ramadan

Our stake held a special Ramadan fast today as we prepared to host a Muslim IFTAR event this week. Unlike our regular 24 hour fasts this was just sun up to sun down, which seems easy comparatively! Muslims fast like this for the entire month of Ramadan. (I think that would be extremely difficult.) 

Mary and Abe joined Dan and I and were up by 6:30 cooking eggs and toast to eat before the sun rose. I was particularly proud of Abe for participating and even after church he said, "This kind of fasting is so easy!" That was until 2:00 when he wandered into the kitchen and said he was going to make a sandwich- which he didn't eat and he lasted until sun-down. 

Fasting is particularly difficult for me. I think it is just as much a mental exercise as a physical one. I find it increasingly difficult to be pleasant as the day progresses. Needless to say, by the time Dan and I were praying last night, I felt like an apology was needed. It was Dan's turn, and after he closed I said: 

"Hey, you didn't say anything about repenting or striving to do better or sins... etc."
Dan, "Was I supposed to?"
 "Well, yeah. I was just going to say "Amen." to your prayer and call it good."
Dan chuckled, "Well, sorry I couldn't do your repenting for you." 

It was funny moment, but I also felt the Spirit teach the principle that salvation is a personal matter. No matter the greatness of the sin or mistake, or how inconsequential my actions may seem, no one else can do the repenting, reparation or pleading for me. So thankful for those sweet few minutes last night.

Visiting Jordan

Dan and I made a quick trip to Jordan. I'd never been to the country but MIMB has funded some projects there through Lifting Hands International. When Dan suggested I come along on his work trip, we made plans to hike through Petra, visit the Dead Sea and do some project research for MIMB.

This post will focus on the research, the following post will detail our hikes and travel.

Sarah and I weren't sure anything would come together in time until after we had arrived in Amman, hours before our first meeting. I think most of the organisations we reached out to didn't actually think a foundation would send researchers thousands of miles to Jordan to check-up on or see examples of future work. As we were driving towards the Syrian border, it was surreal to me too. 

Within Amman, or places drawing western tourists, Sarah and I never felt out of place. But that was the opposite of a road trip pit stop to get gas. We stopped in a remote part of the country, somewhere between Petra and Amman with Dan and Rocky, and as we got out of the car to find a bathroom we felt uncomfortable, overhearing remarks and meeting stares. Though both of us were wearing long pants neither of us were wearing scarves. We were never unaccompanied and were advised to never go anywhere alone outside of Amman. How would it be to grow up in this kind of environment? Or to raise my daughters here? 

On Friday evening, we met with Hisham, a prominent figure in the relief effort throughout the region. Most of his work is in Jordan and Lebanon, and occasionally in Egypt and Syria. We spent an hour discussing his work, what he sees as the most impactful change, what his relationship with LHI was like, how long he'd been in the field, HHRD and briefly about his family. Hisham has children, one being a daughter. I think working within families provides the most impactful change that can be made. Working with a man who wants to preserve opportunities for his own children adds an element of urgency and permanence to a project.

Before leaving the hotel, Hisham helped to make arrangements for the next day. We would meet early, drive for several hours to meet his team, visit several unofficial refugee camps, see a newly built mobile school and check on a goat placement program along the Syrian border. 

Saturday morning a woman named Ruba, a local woman just younger than either of us, met us in the lobby to act as our driver/translator for the day. Ruba was a last minute addition to our day and a huge asset. She is a second generation Syrian immigrant, her parents would return to Syria if given the chance, unfortunately everything they left behind is gone. Ruba has lived in Amman her whole life and even graduated from a University within an hour's drive of some of the camps we visited, yet she was surprised to hear we would be visiting camps and schools so near. There are 4 large government run camps for refugees, we did not visit any of these. They receive a lot of aid through UNHCR, USAid, UN. These 4 camps are used for any official counts and census records. But unofficially, there are 40-50 smaller tented camps. Thousands of people squat on farmers' land in exchange for cheap labor during harvest seasons. Farmers provide minimal water and power supply to these camps with verbal agreements to allowing them to stay. When there is a lot of work to be done, everyone is in the field, young and old. But most of the year the farmer cannot hire everyone and the camps are full of children without access to schools or medical care. 

One of HHRD's programs is the Family Education Support Program. It addresses 4 obstacles in providing education for these families:

1- Children work to help support the family. (They pay for the lost wages earned if the child goes to school.)

2- No access to school. Public schools give priority to citizens. If room is found in a school for immigrant then they are allowed to enrol. (Provide tuition and transportation cost if a school can be reached by bus.)

3- No access to school because of location. (Provides illegal mobile schools, one per camp. Hires teachers and provides bathrooms/water facilities. Classes are taught in shifts, am/pm sets in order to accommodate the number of students.)

4- Gap. Children who have missed school and fall behind are not allowed to attend if the learning gap is more than 2 years. (HHRD provides an intense schedule trying to close the gap in 3 areas: language, math and science. Islamic studies is also a concern for some schools.)

HHRD also facilitates the shipping and distribution of goats for LHI. LHI uses a 3rd party organisation called Zamzam, the local political party, to prioritise needs and place goats in camps along the border. Collaboration with Zamzam is essential as they allow aid in to unofficial camps. The 4 larger government run camps are at capacity and legally can receive international aid, all other work has to be done at the community level. Zamzam has been the final key to making effectual change for these small groups of people. Zamzam's local presence is held by a man named Rashid. Rashid has just build a new school and is operating an orphanage for orphans.

Last, the goat distribution program supplements the malnutrition found in camps. Families and camps are prioritised by need- a widow with children would place higher on the list than a man traveling alone or a couple without children.  Goats, when available, are given in pairs to families. The goats are given with the following conditions: they are not to be sold or eaten, they must be penned to avoid eating plastics in the fields (poisoned and commonly fatal), if goats have kids, the kids can be sold to supplement the family's income or after grown used for consumption. Most families supplement their children's diets with the milk or yogurt and hope to grow herds large enough to feed the entire family the milk products or sell the extra for income.

As we drove north, we met Fayz and Ahmad, employees of HHRD's distribution team. These two men distribute water, bathrooms, school supplies and donations-in-kind daily to camps in Jordan and Lebanon. They became our guides for the remainder of the day. The first camp we visited in Al-Mafraq was a quick stop. The camp was home to only 40 people (about 6-7 families.) Everyone lives in tents in large fields. Bathrooms are tarped open pits. There are usually several dogs and sometimes goats. The most organised communities we met pen the goats together. Some pen them individually by family unit, and others let them roam free. This camp had 6 goats, penned together, and families take turns caring for them. We met the teacher outside of the school and waived at 3-4 children who left their football game to come smile at us. The teacher is also the head of this camp, he talked about the need for school supplies and bathrooms. We only stayed about 10 minutes and continued on. 

Our second stop was much larger community. Today was the first day of school, the mobile school and teacher had arrived the week prior. We came just as the children and parents were hanging streamers and lining up to welcome their guest of honor- the Farmer, who let them live on his land. We stepped inside the small school and the teacher explained how only half the children could attend at a time. Children sit on the floor with desk tops rising 12 inches above the floor. This allows them to be stacked and put aside if the space is needed for an activity. The school has two bathrooms attached to the the back, windows on both sides of the building and air-conditioning. The only air-conditioning in the camp.

This camp is home to more than 200 people. Only 4 goats have been placed in this camp, but two kids have been born, bringing the herd to six. One of the families who owns the goats offered to give us milk. The poor mother pulled the goat out of the pen and began milking. She was working so hard... apparently she had already milked the goats that morning and there wasn't a lot of milk to be had. But she milked and milked until there was enough in the bowl for both Sarah and I to drink. So we did. We had a lot of time in this camp. I asked the mother how old she was, how many children she had and how long she had lived here. She is the same age as me, has 4 children and had been living in the camp for 2 years. She asked if I wanted to meet her babies. That's when I understood she had twin 3-month-old babies in her tent. She had them tucked into a fantastic hammock that hung from the tent poles. As we entered, Ruba began translating. The mother was asking us to help her find a doctor. It was apparent that one of the babies had a health issue. Seeing the babies side by side, was heartbreaking. I think it is something similar to what Trent Teuller's daughter had. Her head was oversized, eyes beginning to bulge. The mother explained that she needed immediate surgery but that there wasn't money or a hospital available to her. The sick baby slept while the healthy baby smiled and looked at us. The father joined us and asked if there was a doctor that could come to them. Our guides explained what little could be done, but as we drove away from the camp they explained to us that it was inevitable and only one of those babies would live.

Our third visit was the most impressive. 300 refugees live here but had pooled their 22 gifted goats into one heard. Families took turns moving grazing them on the farmland and penning/milking twice a day. The herd had multiplied to over 60 goats. Men of the camp who met us were so proud of their herd. They had not sold or eaten any of the offspring, which seems to be a popular thing to do as soon as a goat is old enough. I was happy for their achievement. They would soon be able to sell the extra milk. Everyone in their camp could drink or eat the yogurt. This was the ideal situation, but could only have been achieved by working as a community. In contrast to every other camp, this provided the most measurable success. Unlike the other two camps, the children in this camp did not have a school near by, nor did they have a mobile school yet. As we talked with the residents, education was their greatest need and top priority. We saw neither women or girls in this camp.

We had been traveling all day and there had been no opportunities to use the toilet, I finally stopped to use one in our 4th and final camp. I think this could be the biggest immediate improvement made.  

From this camp we could see the military watch towers and fences of the Syrian border about 200 meters away. 200 refugees lived here and in quite segregated areas. Each family that had received goats had them penned individually next to their tents, so that outdoor animal and human spaces were shared. We visited several pens and men explained why they had only one goat or several. In some cases, one of the two goats had died or been sold/eaten, leaving their singular goat in the pen. For one lucky man, his goat had birthed two kids and he now had 4 in his small herd. Sarah compared this situation to the Parable of the Talents and I think she's spot on. This camp had moved several times through Jordan before returning to the border about 8 months ago. (Down to Aquaba and back into Syria only to return to Jordan for safety.) The 20 Community Elders who met us, invited us to stay for lunch, but we explained we had other appointments. Before leaving we asked about their greatest needs and how the previous projects had been influential or helpful. Education was prioritised, only 25 children in the camp had opportunities to go to public schools. HHRD helps to pay for their transportation. The remaining children in camp cannot attend because of the gap or $ and never leave the farm and helped support their families. There was a building, like a mobile school, in the camp, but it had been converted into a Mosque. I'm not sure if it originally was a donated school, but it looked like it could have been. Second to education was the goat placement program. I saw a need for both. We saw only one woman in this camp and she carefully covered her face and only watched from behind a fence.

These 4 camps are all within miles of each other, and yet so different. The visual presence of women, or having a woman teacher in the camp seemed to make a huge difference in the organization  of the camp and openness in which we were received. I don't think that advocating for women's rights is the first step, but I do think the simplest changes to be made could be done by a local woman with the respect of her peers. I was thankful to have Ruba with us- an educated, confident and happy Muslim woman with a career. Though she felt ignorant of the situation so close to her home, I believe she made a difference just by being present.

In Al-Mafraq, among the farms and fields are mini mansions. I was surprised to see so many beautiful homes, gates, stonework on fences and even grass. We asked who lived in all of these beautiful homes that seemed so prosperous and modern compared to the villages. Apparently it's common knowledge that the homes belong to drug lords who traffic them across the border. Another 5 minutes into Al-Mafraq brought us to Zamzam's offices hosted inside their newly built school. This school can accommodate 80 children, most of whom come from the orphanage down the road. Aside from the office, it is sparsely furnished and is missing a few light fixtures but it is built of stone (almost like having air conditioning) and has already staffed teachers. Rashid is seeking funding to finish furnishing the school and to buy computers. (About 15k.)

The Atonement of Jesus Christ

Working on a talk:

As a mother to 5 children, a significant portion of my time is spent taking the sticky backs off bandaids and air kissing injuries.

Whether the injuries are self inflicted or otherwise, the smallest children are quick to seek aid and comfort. Sometimes a hug or kiss can make all the pain and hurt go away or sometimes all that the child needs is for me to acknowledge that someone was injured or offended. Like the memory of a goldfish, Moses can forget something that happened moments ago.

Of necessity sometimes we (Dan and I) inflict the pain or injury as well- with the responsibility to clearly teach right and wrong or when we let consequences take their course.

As I think about this simple role I play, I am reminded that Christ, in a similar manner, plays this same role in my own life.

I'd like to share 2 stories from that exemplify the Atonement of Jesus Christ through this lens.

The first, small children are quick to seek comfort and ask for help. It is common in our home to hear a child cry and see them running to you as if an arm or leg had been detached. Their pain is real and the anguish is loud. But the moment I kiss the injured limb all is forgotten. Similarly, if a small child has felt wronged by another, or when they feel something isn’t fair, they are quick to point out the other’s fault and have a higher power step in to control the situation or deliver justice.

Why aren’t we as quick to seek comfort and ask for help when we feel like we have lost control of a situation or find pain too hard to bear?

10 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first son, Dan offered to help his brother move. The brothers were going to drive the truck from Utah to California and then Dan would catch a flight back 3 days later. The baby wasn’t supposed to come for weeks so Dan left and I felt no reason to ask him to stay. As the day progressed, so did the baby and I found myself in labor. It was a long painful day, and I was certain that I didn’t need the help of a doctor because I was sure that the labor pains would eventually stop and that this baby wasn’t going to come early. As I was feeding Mary dinner that night, my mother stopped by and found me unable to walk between the stove and the table. She recognized my pain, she knew how to help me. She quickly picked up my small daughter, helped me to the car and drove me to the hospital.

Many women are afraid to go to the hospital during early labor, it is emotionally crushing to be found hours or days away from birth and sent back home to wait for the baby to come and you feel defeated. Those last few hours can feel just as long as the previous 9 months.

As we drove to the hospital I began to feel the same and told my mom I didn’t need any help, that I didn’t want to go. That I didn’t want to see the doctor, yet. In her wisdom, and experience, she calmly explained that there was no shame in going.

Sometimes we might find ourselves in the same situation. Avoiding the physician who can offer relief and help. Aren’t we all sick? Christ taught, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick…” (Mark 2:17) Pain comes in many forms, physical, emotional, anger, sadness, shame, depression and even loneliness. Our mortality begins in an imperfect world and from birth our bodies begin to age, inevitably advancing towards physical death. Alma prophesied that Christ would “suffer pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind.” Why? “That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” Like my mother, He recognizes our pain. He knows what kind of healing is necessary. Sometimes, like children, we are quick to find Him and other times we are not.

Second, sometimes we experience pain because of our own actions, or when as parents we have a responsibility to teach right and wrong.

Mary spoke several weeks ago and used the simple example of a child touching a hot pan. There is pain in ignorance. There is also pain when we sin or when we are the recipient of another’s abuse. As parents, it is difficult to see our children in pain, and may try to soften or remove the consequences. As part of God’s plan, the purpose of this mortal experience grants us agency.

A familiar example is found in the Book of Mormon. Despite the fact that Alma was a good man, and I'm sure he understood the responsibility to teach his son correct principles. Alma the Younger rebelled and openly tried to destroy the church and his Father's work. When his son was brought home after the angel's visit, Alma was joyful! He had been praying for his son to experience a change of heart and repent. For 3 days, while his son was unconscious, Alma prayed for him.  His son later wrote, “I was tormented” by my actions and suffered greatly until finally repenting.

Elder Christofferson speaking of hard circumstances said: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior…”

If I were to paraphrase that for my children I would say, “You can do hard things and by doing hard things you also get stronger!” If only we all were as wise as Alma! When Alma the younger woke, Alma was there to comfort and rejoice with his son. I so want for my children what Elder Christofferson experienced!

Christ has experienced all of our pain, sorrow or joy. He knows what it means to be victorious and to be defeated.

There is something called a Pyrrhic Victory. The term comes from a battle between King Pyrrhus and the Romans in 280 BC. King Pyrrhus won the battle but his army suffered irreplaceable casualties in defeating the Romans. He said, “If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” The battle took such a heavy toll, its victory negated any true sense of achievement. A wise general would realize that winning the battle at such a high cost would mean losing the war. In those days, losing the war meant that your entire population was either killed or enslaved.

I’m reading a book about a moral dilemma a neuroscientist has when he operates on patients with brain tumors. As he operates, sometimes the tumor is removed at the expense of damaging brain tissue. An incision smaller than 2mm will put a patient in paralysis for life. Or by removing the tumor and relieving pressure on another part of the brain it will result in language loss. He asks, “At what expense do I prolong the patient’s life if this is the risk?”

What price do we pay for a pyrrhic victory?

If we are slow to repent or refuse to forgive another, we ultimately lose. We are distancing ourselves from Christ, we are inflicting our own misery. We are enslaving ourselves to the hatred and pain that comes by letting our pride be victorious. Agency means God, even as a loving father, cannot remove the consequences to our actions when they cause us pain or even harm. Even to the extent that the consequences separate us from God eternally.

God is our Father and is teaching us as His children. Putting us in a real world with real consequences. As my mother drove, I texted Daniel to let him know I was on the way to the hospital and that his 1st Son might be coming that night. Dan, with foresight, had purchased a one way ticket from the only major airport between the two states that morning before leaving. Carefully calculating the driving time and flight departure. I remember thinking his purchase was foolish. It wasn’t, it was miraculous, I’ll leave that story for another talk. But there are tender mercies that come from seeking out the Savior and drawing near unto Him, for He “will draw near unto you.”

President Nelson taught: “True repentance is not an event. It is a never-ending privilege. It is fundamental to progression and having peace of mind, comfort, and joy.” I am a daughter of God, understanding this simple truth makes me just like one of my small children. When I am hurt, offended, discouraged, have made a poor choice or am just striving to be incrementally better… I understand that God has a vested interested in my well being. That Christ is there to comfort me, bandage wounds or even just air kiss my grievances as I learn to navigate life’s experiences.

One of those days...

As most of you've heard, yesterday was a whopper. I'm still recovering mentally, because I thought I'd lost my mind and I went to bed at 7pm!

We've begun using our outdoor space more, it's always so pleasant to have breakfast on the patio. The only drawback is the children eat faster and hop on their scooters or bikes because we are outside. Yesterday, after Abe finished eating, but while Dan and I were still at the table he ran his scooter into a post and split his head open. Imelda took the small kids, Mary took Maeser to school and Dan and I took Abe to get stitches. I dropped him off at school and went to pick up the littles for errands, but while we were out Moses began lying down every time we stopped and I realised he had a fever, and a high one! We left to go home but I couldn't find the block I parked the car and by the time we final found it he was asleep in my arms and we'd hiked 8 extra blocks. Scout and I were both sweaty hot messes. I drove home to find Dan was sick too and Imelda was trying to fight off a swarm of bees that had descended from the attic through the can lights on the second floor. We have hundreds of bees upstairs and I hope a bee keeper can come today!

I'm hoping for a less eventful day today.

Highlights from the rest of the week, that I can remember:

Listening to the first session of conference.

He built a tower.

Waiting for the sun to rise so we can swim.