Ramadan

Our stake held a special Ramadan fast today as we prepared to host a Muslim IFTAR event this week. Unlike our regular 24 hour fasts this was just sun up to sun down, which seems easy comparatively! Muslims fast like this for the entire month of Ramadan. (I think that would be extremely difficult.) 

Mary and Abe joined Dan and I and were up by 6:30 cooking eggs and toast to eat before the sun rose. I was particularly proud of Abe for participating and even after church he said, "This kind of fasting is so easy!" That was until 2:00 when he wandered into the kitchen and said he was going to make a sandwich- which he didn't eat and he lasted until sun-down. 

Fasting is particularly difficult for me. I think it is just as much a mental exercise as a physical one. I find it increasingly difficult to be pleasant as the day progresses. Needless to say, by the time Dan and I were praying last night, I felt like an apology was needed. It was Dan's turn, and after he closed I said: 

"Hey, you didn't say anything about repenting or striving to do better or sins... etc."
Dan, "Was I supposed to?"
 "Well, yeah. I was just going to say "Amen." to your prayer and call it good."
Dan chuckled, "Well, sorry I couldn't do your repenting for you." 

It was funny moment, but I also felt the Spirit teach the principle that salvation is a personal matter. No matter the greatness of the sin or mistake, or how inconsequential my actions may seem, no one else can do the repenting, reparation or pleading for me. So thankful for those sweet few minutes last night.

Visiting Jordan

Dan and I made a quick trip to Jordan. I'd never been to the country but MIMB has funded some projects there through Lifting Hands International. When Dan suggested I come along on his work trip, we made plans to hike through Petra, visit the Dead Sea and do some project research for MIMB.

This post will focus on the research, the following post will detail our hikes and travel.

Sarah and I weren't sure anything would come together in time until after we had arrived in Amman, hours before our first meeting. I think most of the organisations we reached out to didn't actually think a foundation would send researchers thousands of miles to Jordan to check-up on or see examples of future work. As we were driving towards the Syrian border, it was surreal to me too. 

Within Amman, or places drawing western tourists, Sarah and I never felt out of place. But that was the opposite of a road trip pit stop to get gas. We stopped in a remote part of the country, somewhere between Petra and Amman with Dan and Rocky, and as we got out of the car to find a bathroom we felt uncomfortable, overhearing remarks and meeting stares. Though both of us were wearing long pants neither of us were wearing scarves. We were never unaccompanied and were advised to never go anywhere alone outside of Amman. How would it be to grow up in this kind of environment? Or to raise my daughters here? 

On Friday evening, we met with Hisham, a prominent figure in the relief effort throughout the region. Most of his work is in Jordan and Lebanon, and occasionally in Egypt and Syria. We spent an hour discussing his work, what he sees as the most impactful change, what his relationship with LHI was like, how long he'd been in the field, HHRD and briefly about his family. Hisham has children, one being a daughter. I think working within families provides the most impactful change that can be made. Working with a man who wants to preserve opportunities for his own children adds an element of urgency and permanence to a project.

Before leaving the hotel, Hisham helped to make arrangements for the next day. We would meet early, drive for several hours to meet his team, visit several unofficial refugee camps, see a newly built mobile school and check on a goat placement program along the Syrian border. 

Saturday morning a woman named Ruba, a local woman just younger than either of us, met us in the lobby to act as our driver/translator for the day. Ruba was a last minute addition to our day and a huge asset. She is a second generation Syrian immigrant, her parents would return to Syria if given the chance, unfortunately everything they left behind is gone. Ruba has lived in Amman her whole life and even graduated from a University within an hour's drive of some of the camps we visited, yet she was surprised to hear we would be visiting camps and schools so near. There are 4 large government run camps for refugees, we did not visit any of these. They receive a lot of aid through UNHCR, USAid, UN. These 4 camps are used for any official counts and census records. But unofficially, there are 40-50 smaller tented camps. Thousands of people squat on farmers' land in exchange for cheap labor during harvest seasons. Farmers provide minimal water and power supply to these camps with verbal agreements to allowing them to stay. When there is a lot of work to be done, everyone is in the field, young and old. But most of the year the farmer cannot hire everyone and the camps are full of children without access to schools or medical care. 

One of HHRD's programs is the Family Education Support Program. It addresses 4 obstacles in providing education for these families:

1- Children work to help support the family. (They pay for the lost wages earned if the child goes to school.)

2- No access to school. Public schools give priority to citizens. If room is found in a school for immigrant then they are allowed to enrol. (Provide tuition and transportation cost if a school can be reached by bus.)

3- No access to school because of location. (Provides illegal mobile schools, one per camp. Hires teachers and provides bathrooms/water facilities. Classes are taught in shifts, am/pm sets in order to accommodate the number of students.)

4- Gap. Children who have missed school and fall behind are not allowed to attend if the learning gap is more than 2 years. (HHRD provides an intense schedule trying to close the gap in 3 areas: language, math and science. Islamic studies is also a concern for some schools.)

HHRD also facilitates the shipping and distribution of goats for LHI. LHI uses a 3rd party organisation called Zamzam, the local political party, to prioritise needs and place goats in camps along the border. Collaboration with Zamzam is essential as they allow aid in to unofficial camps. The 4 larger government run camps are at capacity and legally can receive international aid, all other work has to be done at the community level. Zamzam has been the final key to making effectual change for these small groups of people. Zamzam's local presence is held by a man named Rashid. Rashid has just build a new school and is operating an orphanage for orphans.

Last, the goat distribution program supplements the malnutrition found in camps. Families and camps are prioritised by need- a widow with children would place higher on the list than a man traveling alone or a couple without children.  Goats, when available, are given in pairs to families. The goats are given with the following conditions: they are not to be sold or eaten, they must be penned to avoid eating plastics in the fields (poisoned and commonly fatal), if goats have kids, the kids can be sold to supplement the family's income or after grown used for consumption. Most families supplement their children's diets with the milk or yogurt and hope to grow herds large enough to feed the entire family the milk products or sell the extra for income.

As we drove north, we met Fayz and Ahmad, employees of HHRD's distribution team. These two men distribute water, bathrooms, school supplies and donations-in-kind daily to camps in Jordan and Lebanon. They became our guides for the remainder of the day. The first camp we visited in Al-Mafraq was a quick stop. The camp was home to only 40 people (about 6-7 families.) Everyone lives in tents in large fields. Bathrooms are tarped open pits. There are usually several dogs and sometimes goats. The most organised communities we met pen the goats together. Some pen them individually by family unit, and others let them roam free. This camp had 6 goats, penned together, and families take turns caring for them. We met the teacher outside of the school and waived at 3-4 children who left their football game to come smile at us. The teacher is also the head of this camp, he talked about the need for school supplies and bathrooms. We only stayed about 10 minutes and continued on. 

Our second stop was much larger community. Today was the first day of school, the mobile school and teacher had arrived the week prior. We came just as the children and parents were hanging streamers and lining up to welcome their guest of honor- the Farmer, who let them live on his land. We stepped inside the small school and the teacher explained how only half the children could attend at a time. Children sit on the floor with desk tops rising 12 inches above the floor. This allows them to be stacked and put aside if the space is needed for an activity. The school has two bathrooms attached to the the back, windows on both sides of the building and air-conditioning. The only air-conditioning in the camp.

This camp is home to more than 200 people. Only 4 goats have been placed in this camp, but two kids have been born, bringing the herd to six. One of the families who owns the goats offered to give us milk. The poor mother pulled the goat out of the pen and began milking. She was working so hard... apparently she had already milked the goats that morning and there wasn't a lot of milk to be had. But she milked and milked until there was enough in the bowl for both Sarah and I to drink. So we did. We had a lot of time in this camp. I asked the mother how old she was, how many children she had and how long she had lived here. She is the same age as me, has 4 children and had been living in the camp for 2 years. She asked if I wanted to meet her babies. That's when I understood she had twin 3-month-old babies in her tent. She had them tucked into a fantastic hammock that hung from the tent poles. As we entered, Ruba began translating. The mother was asking us to help her find a doctor. It was apparent that one of the babies had a health issue. Seeing the babies side by side, was heartbreaking. I think it is something similar to what Trent Teuller's daughter had. Her head was oversized, eyes beginning to bulge. The mother explained that she needed immediate surgery but that there wasn't money or a hospital available to her. The sick baby slept while the healthy baby smiled and looked at us. The father joined us and asked if there was a doctor that could come to them. Our guides explained what little could be done, but as we drove away from the camp they explained to us that it was inevitable and only one of those babies would live.

Our third visit was the most impressive. 300 refugees live here but had pooled their 22 gifted goats into one heard. Families took turns moving grazing them on the farmland and penning/milking twice a day. The herd had multiplied to over 60 goats. Men of the camp who met us were so proud of their herd. They had not sold or eaten any of the offspring, which seems to be a popular thing to do as soon as a goat is old enough. I was happy for their achievement. They would soon be able to sell the extra milk. Everyone in their camp could drink or eat the yogurt. This was the ideal situation, but could only have been achieved by working as a community. In contrast to every other camp, this provided the most measurable success. Unlike the other two camps, the children in this camp did not have a school near by, nor did they have a mobile school yet. As we talked with the residents, education was their greatest need and top priority. We saw neither women or girls in this camp.

We had been traveling all day and there had been no opportunities to use the toilet, I finally stopped to use one in our 4th and final camp. I think this could be the biggest immediate improvement made.  

From this camp we could see the military watch towers and fences of the Syrian border about 200 meters away. 200 refugees lived here and in quite segregated areas. Each family that had received goats had them penned individually next to their tents, so that outdoor animal and human spaces were shared. We visited several pens and men explained why they had only one goat or several. In some cases, one of the two goats had died or been sold/eaten, leaving their singular goat in the pen. For one lucky man, his goat had birthed two kids and he now had 4 in his small herd. Sarah compared this situation to the Parable of the Talents and I think she's spot on. This camp had moved several times through Jordan before returning to the border about 8 months ago. (Down to Aquaba and back into Syria only to return to Jordan for safety.) The 20 Community Elders who met us, invited us to stay for lunch, but we explained we had other appointments. Before leaving we asked about their greatest needs and how the previous projects had been influential or helpful. Education was prioritised, only 25 children in the camp had opportunities to go to public schools. HHRD helps to pay for their transportation. The remaining children in camp cannot attend because of the gap or $ and never leave the farm and helped support their families. There was a building, like a mobile school, in the camp, but it had been converted into a Mosque. I'm not sure if it originally was a donated school, but it looked like it could have been. Second to education was the goat placement program. I saw a need for both. We saw only one woman in this camp and she carefully covered her face and only watched from behind a fence.

These 4 camps are all within miles of each other, and yet so different. The visual presence of women, or having a woman teacher in the camp seemed to make a huge difference in the organization  of the camp and openness in which we were received. I don't think that advocating for women's rights is the first step, but I do think the simplest changes to be made could be done by a local woman with the respect of her peers. I was thankful to have Ruba with us- an educated, confident and happy Muslim woman with a career. Though she felt ignorant of the situation so close to her home, I believe she made a difference just by being present.

In Al-Mafraq, among the farms and fields are mini mansions. I was surprised to see so many beautiful homes, gates, stonework on fences and even grass. We asked who lived in all of these beautiful homes that seemed so prosperous and modern compared to the villages. Apparently it's common knowledge that the homes belong to drug lords who traffic them across the border. Another 5 minutes into Al-Mafraq brought us to Zamzam's offices hosted inside their newly built school. This school can accommodate 80 children, most of whom come from the orphanage down the road. Aside from the office, it is sparsely furnished and is missing a few light fixtures but it is built of stone (almost like having air conditioning) and has already staffed teachers. Rashid is seeking funding to finish furnishing the school and to buy computers. (About 15k.)

The Atonement of Jesus Christ

Working on a talk:

As a mother to 5 children, a significant portion of my time is spent taking the sticky backs off bandaids and air kissing injuries.

Whether the injuries are self inflicted or otherwise, the smallest children are quick to seek aid and comfort. Sometimes a hug or kiss can make all the pain and hurt go away or sometimes all that the child needs is for me to acknowledge that someone was injured or offended. Like the memory of a goldfish, Moses can forget something that happened moments ago.

Of necessity sometimes we (Dan and I) inflict the pain or injury as well- with the responsibility to clearly teach right and wrong or when we let consequences take their course.

As I think about this simple role I play, I am reminded that Christ, in a similar manner, plays this same role in my own life.

I'd like to share 2 stories from that exemplify the Atonement of Jesus Christ through this lens.

The first, small children are quick to seek comfort and ask for help. It is common in our home to hear a child cry and see them running to you as if an arm or leg had been detached. Their pain is real and the anguish is loud. But the moment I kiss the injured limb all is forgotten. Similarly, if a small child has felt wronged by another, or when they feel something isn’t fair, they are quick to point out the other’s fault and have a higher power step in to control the situation or deliver justice.

Why aren’t we as quick to seek comfort and ask for help when we feel like we have lost control of a situation or find pain too hard to bear?

10 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first son, Dan offered to help his brother move. The brothers were going to drive the truck from Utah to California and then Dan would catch a flight back 3 days later. The baby wasn’t supposed to come for weeks so Dan left and I felt no reason to ask him to stay. As the day progressed, so did the baby and I found myself in labor. It was a long painful day, and I was certain that I didn’t need the help of a doctor because I was sure that the labor pains would eventually stop and that this baby wasn’t going to come early. As I was feeding Mary dinner that night, my mother stopped by and found me unable to walk between the stove and the table. She recognized my pain, she knew how to help me. She quickly picked up my small daughter, helped me to the car and drove me to the hospital.

Many women are afraid to go to the hospital during early labor, it is emotionally crushing to be found hours or days away from birth and sent back home to wait for the baby to come and you feel defeated. Those last few hours can feel just as long as the previous 9 months.

As we drove to the hospital I began to feel the same and told my mom I didn’t need any help, that I didn’t want to go. That I didn’t want to see the doctor, yet. In her wisdom, and experience, she calmly explained that there was no shame in going.

Sometimes we might find ourselves in the same situation. Avoiding the physician who can offer relief and help. Aren’t we all sick? Christ taught, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick…” (Mark 2:17) Pain comes in many forms, physical, emotional, anger, sadness, shame, depression and even loneliness. Our mortality begins in an imperfect world and from birth our bodies begin to age, inevitably advancing towards physical death. Alma prophesied that Christ would “suffer pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind.” Why? “That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” Like my mother, He recognizes our pain. He knows what kind of healing is necessary. Sometimes, like children, we are quick to find Him and other times we are not.

Second, sometimes we experience pain because of our own actions, or when as parents we have a responsibility to teach right and wrong.

Mary spoke several weeks ago and used the simple example of a child touching a hot pan. There is pain in ignorance. There is also pain when we sin or when we are the recipient of another’s abuse. As parents, it is difficult to see our children in pain, and may try to soften or remove the consequences. As part of God’s plan, the purpose of this mortal experience grants us agency.

A familiar example is found in the Book of Mormon. Despite the fact that Alma was a good man, and I'm sure he understood the responsibility to teach his son correct principles. Alma the Younger rebelled and openly tried to destroy the church and his Father's work. When his son was brought home after the angel's visit, Alma was joyful! He had been praying for his son to experience a change of heart and repent. For 3 days, while his son was unconscious, Alma prayed for him.  His son later wrote, “I was tormented” by my actions and suffered greatly until finally repenting.

Elder Christofferson speaking of hard circumstances said: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior…”

If I were to paraphrase that for my children I would say, “You can do hard things and by doing hard things you also get stronger!” If only we all were as wise as Alma! When Alma the younger woke, Alma was there to comfort and rejoice with his son. I so want for my children what Elder Christofferson experienced!

Christ has experienced all of our pain, sorrow or joy. He knows what it means to be victorious and to be defeated.

There is something called a Pyrrhic Victory. The term comes from a battle between King Pyrrhus and the Romans in 280 BC. King Pyrrhus won the battle but his army suffered irreplaceable casualties in defeating the Romans. He said, “If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” The battle took such a heavy toll, its victory negated any true sense of achievement. A wise general would realize that winning the battle at such a high cost would mean losing the war. In those days, losing the war meant that your entire population was either killed or enslaved.

I’m reading a book about a moral dilemma a neuroscientist has when he operates on patients with brain tumors. As he operates, sometimes the tumor is removed at the expense of damaging brain tissue. An incision smaller than 2mm will put a patient in paralysis for life. Or by removing the tumor and relieving pressure on another part of the brain it will result in language loss. He asks, “At what expense do I prolong the patient’s life if this is the risk?”

What price do we pay for a pyrrhic victory?

If we are slow to repent or refuse to forgive another, we ultimately lose. We are distancing ourselves from Christ, we are inflicting our own misery. We are enslaving ourselves to the hatred and pain that comes by letting our pride be victorious. Agency means God, even as a loving father, cannot remove the consequences to our actions when they cause us pain or even harm. Even to the extent that the consequences separate us from God eternally.

God is our Father and is teaching us as His children. Putting us in a real world with real consequences. As my mother drove, I texted Daniel to let him know I was on the way to the hospital and that his 1st Son might be coming that night. Dan, with foresight, had purchased a one way ticket from the only major airport between the two states that morning before leaving. Carefully calculating the driving time and flight departure. I remember thinking his purchase was foolish. It wasn’t, it was miraculous, I’ll leave that story for another talk. But there are tender mercies that come from seeking out the Savior and drawing near unto Him, for He “will draw near unto you.”

President Nelson taught: “True repentance is not an event. It is a never-ending privilege. It is fundamental to progression and having peace of mind, comfort, and joy.” I am a daughter of God, understanding this simple truth makes me just like one of my small children. When I am hurt, offended, discouraged, have made a poor choice or am just striving to be incrementally better… I understand that God has a vested interested in my well being. That Christ is there to comfort me, bandage wounds or even just air kiss my grievances as I learn to navigate life’s experiences.